Monday, October 6, 2008

Alone in a crowded room

2:45:24 AM CDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing When We Dance - Sting

Alone in a crowded room

I'm restless tonite, and suppose I'll pay for this tomorrow as I'm dragging throughout the day, but my mind just won't let my body sleep, so I have to pacify it's desires.

It occured to me today that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my past. I suppose that's because it's the foundation blocks of who I am today, but I also realized that no one seems to notice, and I'm really ok with this.

There was once a time in my life I expected people around me to see what was in my heart and I felt that if they were close enough to me, that they should already know. I guess I put too much assumption into the idea that people around me are as studious of others around them as I am, and I guess sometimes that makes me a little melancoly. These days, I don't seem to mind keeping some things to myself, and I think that's because I have put all of myself out on the line in the past and when someone special is no longer near your side, it feels as if you carry an emptiness with you that never goes away. Although I know in some ways I have great strength, this area is not one of them.

Today I realized that I've been keeping almost everything I am completely passionate about to myself, to the point where the man I lay with doesn't even know my simplest likings, which made me wonder (once again) if anyone around me really knows who I am.

Kevin caught me in awe tonite when I learned that my favorite band is going to start touring again, and although I'm not big into concerts, this is one I'd negiotiate my soul to get tickets for. It caught me strange that he didn't know they were my favorite, and although at first I felt a little betrayed, after thinking about it, I knew the blame was all mine. Still, it gave me great sadness to learn that he didn't deduce from witnessing me listen to the songs over and over, or the sparkle in my eyes when I watched their videos that they had a special place in my heart.

Are we, as human beings becoming so in tuned with ourselves and our own needs and desires that we fail to see the world around us and others that inhabit it? Or is it that we notice and simply decide not to care?

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