Monday, October 6, 2008

Lessons in Love

11:02:28 PM CDT
Feeling Anxious
Hearing Silence

Lessons in Love

I must admit I'm still restless today. I just can't seem to clear my thoughts and get my head in the game. I know that this is because I"m spending a great deal of time battling with old demons as well as my hopes and fears.

Kevin rather upset me tonite because while out in his travels, he neglected to get me the soda I had asked him for. Although I have curbed our "lavish lifestyle" of constantly dining out, the one ammenity I do allow myself is my evening cup of coffee and my fountain soda. I've allowed myself to get spoiled by the idea as I will not even eat dinner or take my medication without this ritual. Apparently, the soda machine was out of order, and Kevin had decided that he was not running to the other gas station less than a half a block away to get one for me.

It's not that I can't get off my behind to get something for myself, and a long time ago I have learned that if I need or want something I've got to tend to it myself, or as my father once said, "If you keep on scaring the men in your life away, you are going to have to learn to do things for yourself". You just got to love that support system my family provides.

The point of it all was that this is one of the small things I ask of him to do. I don't ask for flowers, don't ask for expensive jewelry or clothing, just a simple soda and coffee, and although the machine at his favorite station was out, he couldn't just go a block over to grab one? To me, what went through my mind was, "This is how much I mean to you?"

I wasn't at all pissed off by his actions. The word I would use for the emotion is disappointed. Now in the past, I would have made sure he understood exactly how disappointed I was in what he did. I probably would have stopped speaking to him, stormed around, had a mini temper tantrum, and eventually broke out into a heated argument. What I've come to realize is, what's the point? It doesn't change his decision, even if he ran back out and got a soda for me, what was done was already done. Why waste all that time and energy over something so trivial? What I simply said to him was, "Is this how much you care about me?" and wondered off to get it for myself.

For me, I remember things in my past and can recall them to memory very easily. I guess I should be grateful for this ability, but with this gift, also comes the realization that life is extremely short. Why waste such a short amount of time over such petty things because in the end, it doesn't really matter, and I know that I should never ask someone to prove they care for me. The sad thing about this is, they either do, or they don't and no amount of proof changes this fact.

It's also true that I could have held a grudge by this action and kept myself from showing my love for him. I've done that in the past with past relationships, it just never works out. For me, I find that the more I hide my love and my feelings from others around me, the more I hide it ultimately from myself. Therefore, I only punish myself in the end with these actions.

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