Monday, October 6, 2008

Some things are better left unsaid

2:59:18 AM CDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Enjoy the Silence - Depece Mode

Some things are better left unsaid

All day today I've wanted to be completely alone. Every little thing seems to bug me and I realize it's because I haven't had much time to myself.

Although my father and his 3rd wife took my youngest and Michelle for the night, I"m still left with lil Miss Megan because she simply cannot stand my father's latest bride. I think in truth neither of them like each other because they remind each other of themselves. It would have been easy enough to send Kevin on his way to the races, but I'm not ready for Megan to be left alone at home, so around the block we go.

I never want Megan to think I don't love her as pasionately as a blazing forest fire, and I don't want her to feel like I don't want her around, but she's got some issues with what I affectionately call around here "personal space". Wherever I go and whatever I'm doing at the moment she has to be involved in. Always peering over my shoulder, asking me questions, and usually the questions are either those I don't want to answer, or ones simply invented for small talk.

Megan has never come to appreciate what silence is, and I suppose that's why she reminds me of her father so much. He had the same issues and that complied with his infidelity was more than I could swallow. As I grow older, I find myself lacking more patience in this area. I realize I need some personal time, and I find myself fighting a little more intensely for it. I know I cannot be the person everyone expects me to be, and the person I want others to see in me if I don't have that time to reboot my system.

It's not been the first day, nor I suppose will it ever be the last that Megan asks me those questions I find it difficult to answer in a politically correct way. I don't want to bias her thinking and I don't want her to covet my attitiude in how she views others. Today she asked me questions that even I myself haven't addressed because there are some demons you just have to lock in a closet and not release least you allow them to control your life.

Megan wanted to know why I chose to leave her father, and she's asked me many times. Of course, I have my standard politically correct response programmed and ready to recite at these moments, but along with this question, she also asked me about my high school sweetheart and completely caught me off guard.

Now mind you, she's seen pictures and she's asked who he was before, but my simple politically correct response is that his name was Mark and he was around before her father. She knows that Mark's great grandmother's name was Isabella, the very namesake I gave to her because his great grandmother reminded me of someone I looked up to and wanted to be looked at as. His great grandmother embodied the very ideas of what kind of person I wanted to become, and I never forgot the lessons her memories taught me. Other than these simple facts, she knows nothing more of my past, further more, I don't think there is a soul that stands next to me that knows exactly what became of Mark, and truth be told, I'm not sure I do either.

I wasn't ready to answer the question, and so I didn't. I just quickly changed the topic of discussion and asked her to get back to work on her English composition paper she's been working on for the last several weeks that I suppose I will have to help her embellish before it's Monday due date. I wasn't ready to answer it then, and I don't believe I'm ready to address it now, but still, the issues hover over my head like a cloud full of rain.

More importantly on my mind is who am I as a person now that I was and/or was not then? And am I a better person because of the events that took place. Well, the answer to that question is yes, I am a better person, but also I realize that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

In working on this blog, and working on the stories I need to/want to share with my daughters so that they know who their mother truly is, I seem to notice all those little nuances about me back then that I still have today. I still have my affection for Monty Python, and I still laugh my ass right out of the chair everytime I watch the Biggus Dickus scene in Life of Brian. I still listen to Save a Prayer repetively and it still gives me that sense of calm that it always had. I still watch Gummi Bears, Smurfs and Garfield with as much anticipation as I did waiting for them to premire on Saturday mornings. So what exactly has made me different?

The one thing that has drastically changed in me is my desire to want everyone to love me and accept me. Having always felt like a puzzle piece that never seemed to fit in any puzzle, moving from one town to the next in the span of 6 months to a year, never feeling wanted by my own family, these are reasons for these emotions,but hopping from one dysfunctional person or family onto another does nothing but add fuel to these insecurities.

I find most importantly, that I have more strength and belief in myself and my abilities to do the things I set out to do. I know part of that is because of my experiences with Mark, because he was such a strong influence on my life, but I also know a large part of that reasoning is because of the stable foundation Kevin has always provided me, but because Kevin is, well, Kevin, and has his own personalities and nuances, it also makes me wonder, does he really know me? For that matter, does anyone else?

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