Inner Demons

Saturday, February 16, 2008
1:24:17 AM CST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing On My Own - Patti LaBell and Michael McDonald

Inner Demons


Today I found myself very angry. Angry at myself for all my shortcomings. Angry at those who have hurt me and shown disloyalty. Angry at the world for things not going the way I'd hoped they would.

I really loathe it when I have these feelings. This emotion leaves me blinded to my purpose and I find when I allow myself to indulge in these feelings, I'm left the looser of the game.

I've certainly been told many times that I have quiet the demanding demeanor. I honestly don't try to be a burden, but I find myself wanting to accomplish so much in a day, and yet walking away with so little.

Today I bumped into an old client of mine. Instantly when I spotted her and noticed that she had spotted me, those feelings of dread came to mind. I'm sure she had those same feelings as well. I haven't quiet learned to stifle my emotions and put on my "business face" when I'm caught off guard like that. We did the dance of pleasantries and tried to end the void of comfortablility without appearing to be rude, but you knew it was there.

Over the years I've learned to accept the fact that the services we provide are not suited for every family and that each family needs to research and plan the best environment for themselves. I try to make our expectations and work standards known up front hoping to avoid any misunderstandings later in the relationship, but it never ceases to amaze me how many people are willing to enlist in our services without so much as reading the contract. This shortcoming hits the heart when you allow yourself to care and become attached.

This particular relationship ended because of failed initial communication. Perhaps I need to look within myself and find ways to improve this condition so it doesn't happen again. In any case, it does nothing to salvage the relationship that's already been lost. What it came down to for me was morals. Either I had to compromise on a company policy or loose a valuable client.

There are policies and procedures in place that are meant to protect both the client and the company. I have found every time that when I deviate from these terms, no matter how kind the intent of either party, the more trouble ensues. It's times like these when I realize that I have to stop allowing my heart to run the business, which makes it near impossible because in a business of caring that's exactly what you do. You care.

The business has been such a large part of my life for such a long time that it's hard to discriminate between personal and professional in terms of relationships. I find myself expecting the same things from a business relationship that I expect in my personal relationships: Loyalty. Honesty. Trust. I find myself very unforgiving when these values are compromised and I know that's something that requires a lot of effort on my part to repair.