Contemplation

Thursday, May 3, 2007
7:52:37 PM CDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Save a Prayer

Contemplation


Don't ask me why I"m in this sort of mood today, I just couldn't answer you.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling this way only because I can feel the rim of my eyes fill with the tears I won't let go because I don't want to upset the kids.

I just have those days, what can I say.

So many things have been going through my mind in my journey to get this journal done, so many things I want to say and to tell my kids that I just never find that one moment to do. It's not like one of those "Hey, come here, let's talk about what I think life is about". It's almost like a first kiss sort of thing. It's deepest meaning comes from thought and from the desire of wanting it to happen, and then the perfect time that it does. Anything less is usually a huge disappointment that you try to hide in your closet next to all those skeletons you keep shoving in there.

I know my girls are extremely connected to me, I know they feel what's in my heart, although they don't understand it, and each one of them expreses their concern for my feelings in their own way. My oldest shares that side of me and continually will come up and hold me and hug and kiss on me and tells me she loves me. My youngest has a more direct approach, she just crawls into my lap and refuses to leave until she persuades me to focus on her (gee, go figure). Both of them do that job rather well and soon enough I'm stuffing my emotions aside so I don't let the sadness suffocate them.

First I must always be a mother and protect my children to the best of my capacity. I don't ever want them to feel this sadness or the loneliness I have walked through. At the very least at the end of the road, I hope they always have each other to hold onto.