Monday, October 6, 2008

Sharing the safety net

Friday, June 29, 2007
12:47:58 AM CDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Everytime you go away - Paul Young

Sharing the safety net

There's a comfort I get just by being home. Don't mind being home all the time one bit. It's a safety zone. I know the neighbors, I know the people who pass through. I feel safest here. People around me like to consider me a hermit. Some think it's because I fear leaving the house and that's just not true. Everything that accomodates my needs is right here. I have no reason to walk any further than that unless it means getting more supplies.

For others around me, I've observed, this home is a neutral zone for them. They feel safe and comfortable, and that brings me a sense of joy to know that I can share that safety net with them.

Even the kids that are no longer in our care, they still want to be here. The boys look to Kevin as a roll model, and for all he is, it's not necessarily a bad thing. They still drop by often just to hang out. For me, there's such a sense of pure joy I get watching them become young adults, and the greatest gift they give to me is knowing that I helped them become the person they are today. I hope and pray for each one of them the full life I beg the dear Lord for my own daughters every night.

The saddest part of this experience is realizing that not every child has the love and comfort in their home that I believe children need to thrive. For some reason, people just choose to have offspring for the most senseless reasons. Never for the idea of carrying on a legacy, or the value of family. Some of these children are nothng more than a burden, and they know it. Ignored by their parents, left to their own devises, they spend their youth crying for help, and their adulthood hateful at the world because the calls were unanswered. That alone is a waste of a life.

I don't know how to change the world, I wish I had the answer. Even I had doubts as to whether I wanted to bring a life into a world with such hate and sadness. How does a person with responsible and intelligent thinking make a irreversible decision like that?

Megan is old enough now to flirt with the idea of one day having children of her own. Somedays she says she will, and other days even the idea of children disgusts her. I say little, but smile a lot, because I know she's walking in shoes I did so many years ago. The most important thing for me is to let her know that there's plenty of time in her (very distant) future to make that decision and that it's not one to be taken lightly because it's a huge undertaking for a responsible person. It's a never ending job, and unlike common thought, you don't get to "retire" in 18 years. You worry about them just as much when they are 30 as you did when they were 3.

Today she asked me why I decided to have children of my own. I've long since battled that demon in my head and put away my weapons, so to bring it out of the closet to share with her at such an impressionable age, was like pouring salt on an old deep wound.

It was always so much more for me than just that legacy, and it's difficult to share my reasons with her without waking those nightmares of my childhood. Should I share with someone that's never lived in darkness why I chose to create my own light? And if I choose to share those experiences, exactly how much do I allow her to know without it causing her harm?

I know eventually as she grows and matures into more conscience thought I will no longer be able to dodge from this intense issue. For now though, she is content to know that I made that choice out of love and it's my hope that she will share that love I have given her with others one day.

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